I can remember a time in life when I thought I could numb myself to the pains of this world. I have a strong hermit gene that I constantly have to fight against. I prefer to stay at home over anything else. Being in my safe four walls where I command the comings and goings was definitely my first preference. Clubs, bars, even small sporting events in this area didn't excite me. My financial issues made me just want to focus on going to work, paying bills, sleep, and repeat. I saw no true joy in life, just a mediocre existence of repetition. Work, pay bills, sleep, repeat... with being drawn into other people's issues helping to break up the monotony just a little. The sad part was I was willing to live with that existence. Emphasis on "existence" because I was not really living.
Honestly I was just a "dead man walking". People around me couldn't tell it. I functioned at work, gave my best efforts, and kept it moving. I functioned at home, paid bills, help to take care of my mother, and kept it moving. Around family I gathered, conversed, enjoyed that time, and kept it moving. Yet, inside I was stagnate, emotionally unmoved, and uninspired. So how did I get out of that death trap?
Here are a few things I learned to do that took me from merely existing to be determined to enjoy my life.
1. Slow down and smell the roses: I started really looking at the world around me. I started to notice how beautiful things really were. Nature started grabbing my attention to the point that I would pull over, get out of the car, and take pictures of things. It gave me a sense of peace almost telling me that all was truly well in this world, and there was more beauty around me than issues.
2. Watch the eyes that are watching you: I don't have a husband or children, but I am blessed with three nephews and a niece who are growing up right in front of my eyes. Being in the state I was in made it hard to enjoy being around them. I was stressed out with my financial issues, inner issues, and the issues I had inherited from others, to the point that I constantly felt pressed. The Bible verse II Corinthians 4:8 always came to my mind, "We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair"(NLT). I felt crushed and was full of despair, but I believed this verse and I didn't want my neice and nephews associating our relationship with saddness, irritability, or gloom. I wanted to be thought of highly in their eyes and wanted to be an example of what to do, not what not to do.
A note from a page in my prayer journal from 2004
3. See beyond today: I was so filled with worry and anxiety, it was hard to make it through the day. Once I got through one day, new worries were waiting in the next day or old worries carried over. I felt hopeless, like life was just twenty four hours of sorrow with no real relief, just commercial breaks. I had to learn how to pray more than I worried. I had to learn how to speak positive words over my circumstances and make right choices that inched me closer to what I wanted in my future. I had to learn to see beyond today and prepare for tomorrow. This is not an easy task, it's one I'm still learning, but in seeing beyond today I declare hope for tomorrow.
4. Shift your focus from the "have nots" to the "haves": It was very hard to feel thankful in the state I was in because I didn't feel I had what I truly wanted. I was praying for a husband since I was a teen and couldn't even find a relationship worth pursuing. My financial situation stopped me from doing things I wanted to do because I was obligated to do what I was supposed to do as I helped to take care of my mother. It was hard to be thankful, when I was still waiting for what I wanted! Then I realized the importance of being thankful not in certain things, but in all things. Thankful for the house I lived in, the car I drove, the family line I was born into, the job I had, being protected throughout the day and night, my health, my piece of mind, being able to walk, being able to talk, waking up...I think you get the drift. I learned to be so thankful for everything I did have it made what I didn't have seem trivial. Shifting my focus from the "have nots" to the "haves" changed my life. Then all of a sudden opportunities started coming out of no where allowing me to have experiences I thought would never come.
5. Realize a delay is not always "no way": I felt that all my life, as young as it was, I attempted to do the right things. Honestly I was a "people pleaser", thank God the people I wanted to please was family. It felt good to hear accolades for a job well done from people I loved. Since I tried to do the right things and looked out for others when I could have easily, and with majority consent and justification, walked away. I didn't understand why my life's journey was so hard. Why so many of my dreams were delayed for many, many, many, maaaaaaaaaany, years. I began to feel like I was praying to a God who couldn't hear or didn't care. The road blocks I seemed to run into felt as though there was no way what I wanted woud happen. I stretched out of my comfort zone for others but there seemed to be no relief for me. As the above points came into fruition I realized that a delay did not equate to "no way". God heard my prayers and was with me as I went through my trials. There were things in my thought process that God was working on to bring me into the season I'm in right now. We take time to prepare for meals, to prepare for meetings, even to prepare for a special event. God takes time to prepare us for our future. We all know the bigger the event, the longer the prep time. Which is why I expect big things in my future, and you should too.
So, am I there yet? Have I arrived? Of course not, but I'm still walking through my journey. The only difference between the me now and the me back then is I am walking fully alert, with a purpose, and believing every promise I stand on will come to pass. I am no longer a dead man walking, just going through the motions of life. I still battle certain negative emotions, but that place is not my emotional "norm". I know how to jump that hurdle and keep it moving! This time, I am motivated and inspired and ready to help motivate others.
Unfortunately, my friends, we do live in a world where the dead are walking among us. The "zombie apocalypse" is not a fictional fantasy invention, or even a drug induced state. As a matter of fact sometimes it's hard to tell the dead from the living by a glance because they look the same as you...and me. Refuse to be apart of the population of dead men walking, voided of inspiration and hope for life. Instead rise to the ranks of the living who live life to the full and let it flow into the lives around them. I have!
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