Relationship Web

I absolutely love seeing comments on the internet that single people have no right to talk about relationships. I mean how could someone who is not in a committed relationship even comment on how to have a good relationship. Of course I am being sarcastic. People seem to have tunnel vision when it comes to relationships. It’s constantly defined as a bond between a loved and his/her beloved. That’s still not clear. It’s constantly defined as two strangers who come together and overcome the challenges of two becoming one in mind, body, soul, and spirit. Honestly that’s only one of the many relationships you will experience in life, and yes, a single person would not be able to comment or give advice on that union.

 On the other hand there are many other relationships that we become involved in before the “coupe de gras”.  One thing this single person has learned is that preparation for the union to my beloved is practiced through the unions I create every day with the people around me. From my God, to my family, to my coworkers, to my boss, I am intertwined in various relationships that function in very distinct areas on very different levels. Each relationship has taught me a lesson about being connected to others.

So here are five things I’ve learned about being a good” partner” in any relationship I am involved in:

1.        No turtling, mark your bounds: There will be situations that will arise and cause you to want to tuck your head into your shell and carry on, but that is not the answer. Relationships get messy, whether it’s a family member that lets you down or a coworker that you thought could be trusted and proved otherwise. Relationships call for us to create boundaries and to hold people accountable for how they enter and conduct themselves in our lives. People can only do what we allow them to do in our zone. Sometimes the people you think should mean you the best behave the worse. At that time confrontation is healthy and needed. Now confrontation is not turning over tables and a having a shouting match, that’s anger. When you confront someone you are letting them know that they are out of bounds. Think about an NFL ref who is calling a penalty on a play. He doesn’t follow the player yelling and screaming. He throws the flag, signals the penalty, gives the consequence, and carries on.
2.       Stand up and stand out:  You cannot get into any relationship without knowing who you are. This is true for every relationship you get involved in from family to strangers. You cannot allow anyone to define you, you must define yourself. Don’t live like a chameleon, camouflaged by the situation and people who you are around. Know who you are and do not be afraid to let others know it also. Those who mean you well will stay and play those who do not will simply go away. Well, they’ll go away once they realize you will not change.
3.        Don’t be as dependable as a broken foot: My grandmother broke her ankle right after Mother’s Day and had to wear a cast. In order to get around she needed a walker and later crutches. In order to help her, my uncles had to lift her weight to move her around. Imagine if they leaned on her in that condition! Yet there are people who lean on people who are broken (irresponsible) and get frustrated when they both fall. Relationships are built on trust and if you are as “dependable as a broken foot” your relationship will not last. Basically that means you can’t carry your own weight. If you can’t help yourself, what good can you be to me? If I can’t carry my weight, what good can I be to you?  Let’s face it, we need each other. We were created for relationships and the burning question is, can I count on you?
4.        Communication is the key: From the office to the palace (your home), communication is key. We all have been blessed with unbelievable talents, but mind reading isn’t one of them. We have to learn to open up and speak our minds, but we also need to remember the lesson taught long ago, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” We have to learn to speak the truth in love, because honey is so much sweeter than vinegar!  When you communicate openly with others you give them the green light to communicate openly with you. I may not like everything you say, but I respect you enough to hear you out. If that does not scream connection, I don’t know what does.
5.       Be a visionary: Every relationship from the ones you form on the job to the ones you create in your home are always seeking that next level or “what do we do next”? My youngest nephew constantly asks that question when he’s with me before we start our day. “Tia, what are we going to do? “, is what he sings first thing when he sees me in the morning. Days I have a plan, I can map out our events, but those days when I am clueless regarding what I want to do that little song irritates me. Normally I retort, “You’ll see, because I honestly have no clue.  This goes to show that a clear vision gives an answer, no vision speaks out of frustration. Map out expectations you have for various facets of your life. On your job, be a visionary, there is a direction you want to go in and that’s your vehicle to get there. In your home, be a visionary, there is an order you want to create and it will benefit everyone under your roof. In your marriage, be a visionary, because the two of you have become one and the vision keeps you focused. But let me fall back, because single folks know nothing about applying things to a marriage. Then again when you’ve seen what hasn’t work, you kind of figure out what might be missing… but I digress.

We are involved in various relationships, intertwined like a spider web. If we all look at our roles in these relationships that are not going well, we can see what is needed to get it back on track. But first we have to be honest and realize that a relationship is a two way street. If I think you’re falling short, than there are areas that I maybe falling short too.

We were created to connect one to another and even though we live in the “Digital Age” connected by the worldwide web, we have to remember that the most important connections are the ones we come into contact with face to face every day.  What we want from people are the same things we should be willing to give. Does your web need to be updated or do you need to upgrade it?